You're in a relationship that feels like it is falling apart. Perhaps your relationship is feeling stale. Maybe your relationship seems great and you want to keep it that way. When we are angry with our partner or are sticking to the status quo, it can be difficult to stop and focus on what is going right. For your partner to listen and respect what you have to say, he or she will need to hear positive messages from you.
No matter how true something may be, it is rare that we welcome criticism. Many times when we are getting a barrage of negative messages, we employ a number of defenses so we don't feel so bad about it. We may ignore what the other person is saying about us. We may become defensive and try to explain why the other person is wrong. We may get angry and launch attacks. Or we might completely disengage from the situation. If you are seeing these kind of behaviors from your partner, you may want to consider the balance of positive and negative things you have to say to your partner.
For every negative thing you have to say to someone, make sure you have at least one positive thing to say with it. When your husband makes a huge mess while he's playing with your son and leaves it for you to clean up. Instead of focusing on the mess and criticizing that, you could say, "That was really great seeing you play with Sam. He really enjoyed himself. I noticed that you didn't clean up when you were finished, though. Would you mind taking care of that?"
When you express yourself this way, you tell your partner that you realize his or value. You communicate your problem but you make clear that you aren't blinded by it. If you use this approach to communicating with your partner, you will more likely be listened to. Also, you will feel better about your partner because you will begin noticing some positive aspects to the relationship that you may have overlooked because of your anger. Finally, you will be teaching your partner by example and may start to see your partner mimic this approach with you.
No matter how true something may be, it is rare that we welcome criticism. Many times when we are getting a barrage of negative messages, we employ a number of defenses so we don't feel so bad about it. We may ignore what the other person is saying about us. We may become defensive and try to explain why the other person is wrong. We may get angry and launch attacks. Or we might completely disengage from the situation. If you are seeing these kind of behaviors from your partner, you may want to consider the balance of positive and negative things you have to say to your partner.
For every negative thing you have to say to someone, make sure you have at least one positive thing to say with it. When your husband makes a huge mess while he's playing with your son and leaves it for you to clean up. Instead of focusing on the mess and criticizing that, you could say, "That was really great seeing you play with Sam. He really enjoyed himself. I noticed that you didn't clean up when you were finished, though. Would you mind taking care of that?"
When you express yourself this way, you tell your partner that you realize his or value. You communicate your problem but you make clear that you aren't blinded by it. If you use this approach to communicating with your partner, you will more likely be listened to. Also, you will feel better about your partner because you will begin noticing some positive aspects to the relationship that you may have overlooked because of your anger. Finally, you will be teaching your partner by example and may start to see your partner mimic this approach with you.
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