When we are angry, it is easy to get wrapped up in our own point of view. While we often believe that we know what someone else is thinking or what someone else's motivation is, it is impossible to truly have this information. In an argument, it's not uncommon to hear someone say something like, "You always leave work late so that I have to be the one to cook dinner!" In this scenario, it is clear that the accuser believes the partner leaves work early to avoid cooking. While this may be true, the accuser has no way to know this absolutely. The partner, hearing this, can almost only feel attacked and it will be difficult for the conversation to lead to any resolution other than mutual anger.
It is normal to disagree and argue. But when this happens, it is important to disagree in a way that is productive. Often, how you frame your argument and how you communicate with the person with whom you are disagreeing is more important than the actual content of the disagreement. If you have a pattern of disagreeing in a respectful way, you and your partner can spend your time working towards solutions instead of ascribing blame.
When engaged in a conflict, use “I statements”. Talk about how you feel, what you think, and how you interpret the situation. Saying things like “You never listen to me” puts the other person on the defensive and invites a negative response. Saying “I often feel like I am not being listened to” communicates how you feel and opens up a dialogue.
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