Getting Your Teenager To Talk To You

As a parent, it can be frustrating when your child is not engaging in dialogue with you. You may want to show your support by having a conversation, you may need to communicate something important to your son or daughter, or you may simply want to have a casual chat. When kids resist their parents’ efforts to talk to them, parents can often become discouraged. Fortunately, there are many things that parents can do to try to open up the lines of communication.

Think about how your children perceive you when you talk to them. If you truly want your kids to listen to you and respond positively, it is important to approach them in a respectful and open manner. To help your kids feel as though they can safely talk to you, accept their feelings. You can accept and respect your children's feelings even when you don't agree with their position. When you disagree, first let your daughter know that you heard what she said and that you accept that she thinks that way. You can tell her you disagree. If you expect her to respect your position, it is important that you also respect hers. As you implement this communication pattern, your child will learn that it is okay to have thoughts that are different from yours and will feel comfortable expressing these thoughts.

Sometimes when conflict arises, parents get so focused on the negative behaviors that their kids are showing that they ignore the underlying feelings that their kids are having that caused these behaviors in the first place. You can accept your son’s feelings without necessarily accepting how he handles them (for example, it's okay to be angry, but not to hit). If you don’t try to understand and recognize his feelings, he will continue to think that you don’t understand him or his situation and he will continue to shut down.

For you and your child to have a productive conversation, it is critical that you are both calm. If you don’t think you can have a conversation at a particular moment without getting emotional and saying things that are inappropriate, table the issue until you can talk about it calmly. Likewise, if you don’t think your child is in a good place to have a conversation, wait until he or she is. You don’t have to address every situation immediately. Of course, you don’t want to ignore situations, but it is a good idea to talk about things when everyone is calm. Work on self-control when you are talking to your children. It can be easy to get angry and react in a way that you will regret later. If you can feel yourself losing control, be aware of this feeling and disengage from the situation until you regain control. Modeling this behavior for your kids will help them learn to do the same thing.

It is okay to coach your children, provide them with feedback, and teach them the proper way to behave. It is important to avoid doing this in a way that demeans your children or hurts their feelings. Acknowledge their pain and give them a chance to talk about their problems. When pointing out the negative aspects of something, be sure to note what your child did correctly so that he or she does not block out what you have to say because it is all negative. You may want to try these additional strategies:

• Encourage your child to talk by asking "open-questions." For example, instead of asking, "Do you like school?" ask "What are the things you like about school? What are the things you don't like?"
• Always communicate your support for your children, even when their actions are unacceptable. Communicate your confidence in your children. If you believe in them, they will be more likely to believe in themselves.
• Give your child lots of praise and encouragement.
• Do not label your children, calling one “the stubborn one," another “the bully in the family," etc.

Ultimately, remember that children will base how they communicate on the way that you communicate. The better job you do in communicating with your children, the better your communication with them will be and the better they will communicate with others. Of course, implementing all of these strategies can be very difficult. It may take practice or even coaching or help from someone else. This can commonly be a daily struggle even for parents who have established great communication patterns with their kids. No one has a perfect conversation with their son or daughter every time. With persistence, patience, and an open mind, you can truly begin to have positive communications with your son and signal to your daughter that it is okay to be open and honest with you.